Many moons ago I found myself in the National Portrait Gallery, and came upon a painting from the ‘Big Sue’ series by Lucian Freud. For those of you who’ve never seen one of these paintings, Sue Tilley was a lady who worked in a benefits office. Sue was also resplendently fat. Freud was such a fabulous painter he made the image of her flesh undulate with stark realism.

At this time I was also very fat myself, and i was struck by feelings of both awe and horror at the sight of her in all her glory, frankly wondering what on earth Freud was thinking. This felt like a veritable assault on my eyes, mimicking me and what I saw in the mirror every morning. I was however impressed at her chutzpah, and in the years since have spent many hours thinking about her, and considering if I would ever be brave enough to do such a thing.

Well it turns out I am.

An artist friend, J, put a call out for a life model. Given my proclivity for being a giant poser it seemed only natural that I would offer myself up like a lamb to the proverbial slaughter to knock one off of the bucket list. I didn’t even give it a second thought when I banged out a message.

A few days later I woke with a start. Was I really going to get my gash out for a room full of strangers?

I’m not Bonnie Blue and this isn’t OnlyFans.

Curious as to why other people decided to bare themselves, there were a few recurring themes: control, reclamation of themselves, money. Interestingly I couldn’t find one person who’d posed for the purpose of being desired.

The day came around. I turned up, mezcal was knocked back and I was ready. J then delivered the news that I wasn’t going to be fully naked (thank you bureaucracy). It was almost an anticlimax. I was draped in some sheer fabric (over the fugliest underwear I own) and then the anxiety kicked in. What if they didn’t deem me worthy enough to draw?

Once the first pose had been struck, the reality was quite the opposite: I felt brave and liberated being observed for physical form’s sake. It was empowering, deciding to be seen and therefore giving those people permission to judge my body, rather than my usual expectation that they would for some other spurious reason.

Sue Tilley got paid 25 quid. I paid myself a little self respect.

safe x