Bypassed A F

I thought I was going to die. And all the while I did, and that it was actually a real possibility that I might, I thought about my daughter. That small(ish) firecracker that amazes and confounds and frustrates, often all at once. I also thought of Philip Larkin’s, This Be The Verse, hoping that history…

I’m sat here, looking at my bruised wrists, and wondering how I’m even going to start processing the past five days.  The week started off all so normally, with Monday bringing all of the usual activities that the small human undertakes, and the arguments over the speed at which breakfast is eaten. And then my…

In the current climate, with all of the latent anti-semitism, I find myself struggling to get into the “Holiday” mode. My friends have had to have armed police outside of their kid’s schools. In bougie Manchester. A place where usually the worst thing that happens is Waitrose running out of caramelised onion houmous. Fuck –…

My wonderful mother in law died a couple of months ago. The world seems a little duller without her. I miss texting her pretty much daily about stupid things I’d seen people do, and all of the stupid things her son and her granddaughter had done. She had a wonderful sense of fun and sometimes…

My mum has mostly lost her hair and I am so very far away. So, perhaps somewhat selfishly to feel that I am there in solidarity with her, buzzing my hair seemed apropro. I’ve been reading about whether this is the right thing to do, and a lot of the “people” say that as a…

This is something that has been keeping me awake at night recently. The fear of failing. The fear of failing when I let another person cut my body in order to make a positive change for myself. What sort of human being would I be if I gained the weight back? I know it happens.…

Things often happen all at once. Just when you’ve accumulated a giant steaming pile of shit, another elephantine one seems to be added to the melee. The more the merrier, after all. My MIL came out of remission in the middle last year. She’s an utter trooper. Beanie to cover the chemo hair loss. Cashmere,…

I spent a lot of time trying to have a baby. A plethora of doctors on multiple continents. 35 rounds of different treatments. Five surgeries. A very painful loss. This took a great toll on me, and almost certainly on everyone around me. I was a total shithead during some (most) of it. A complete…

The whys of my former obesity are something I ponder regularly. Why the fuck did I let myself get like that? It’s the thought I will often have if I’m awake at 4am and in need of some solid self-abasing/destructive thoughts. I went through a long and arduous road of fertility treatments which mentally and…

after the recent mega drama, and then I paid a handsome sum (both emotionally and financially) for a doctor to prescribe medically induced dysentry and shove a tube up my bum to have a solid look at my insides. All clear though. Relief all around. I’ve lost about ten pounds during the process, and it’s…