My mum has mostly lost her hair and I am so very far away. So, perhaps somewhat selfishly to feel that I am there in solidarity with her, buzzing my hair seemed apropro.

I’ve been reading about whether this is the right thing to do, and a lot of the “people” say that as a solidarity move, it’s a good one. My mum has always been very particular about her hair, so I’m genuinely gutted that she’s losing hers.

However, because I’m vain a f, I wonder if I’d have done this when I was fat. I think probably not. I would have been far too self conscious. Now I only have one chin, and actual cheekbones, it honestly looks quite good. Plus – as my mum very proudly told me, thanks to her I don’t have a weird shaped head, which I think was the biggest relief to me and those who have to see me on the reg.

I was in NYC pre head shave, contemplating whether I would actually go through with it. I found myself wandering around the Met and looking at the form of women in sculpture alongside their image in paintings. I mostly wondered what they were thinking. And wondering if I would ever be beautiful enough for someone to paint or sculpt.

On the day of the shave, I inhaled a few beers and my husband took the clippers to my mess of curls. I cried. Cried for me and for my mum. Cried for my mother in law who also lost her hair because of Chemo last year. Cried for my many friends who’ve also lost hair because of these fucking awful treatments. While cathartic, it left an open wound of grief and selfish guilt because I’m not there to be with my mum every day.

I woke up in the morning looking forward to the slutty platinum blonde crop with dark roots which is in my future.

My mum will hate it.

Peace x

(PS. A late post which was drafted in May, and I forgot to hit ‘publish’ on!)