after the recent mega drama, and then I paid a handsome sum (both emotionally and financially) for a doctor to prescribe medically induced dysentry and shove a tube up my bum to have a solid look at my insides. All clear though. Relief all around.

I’ve lost about ten pounds during the process, and it’s been a good thing because it’s broken the plateau. I think I want to loose about 20 more, but I am loving the fact I fit into a few things a little better.

Which has then in turn sent my overthinking mind into new turmoil. Will I ever get used to being noticed?

For so many years, all I had to trade off of was being my witty, charming self. People didn’t place value in the way I looked, so it was solely personality. I didn’t have to give a fuck, so I didn’t. I mean I’m obviously still far from being a Victoria’s Secret model (thankfully – see previous note in post re feral tits), but there’s something passably striking about how I look now. Confidence wasn’t my issue before particularly – I’ve always been able to walk into a room and speak to anyone.

However now I can’t help but feel like Harry Potter lurking in Hogwarts when the cape of invisibility has slipped.

All of these feelings have forced my observation of others. The guy who will open the door for me, but not hold it for the overweight lady behind me. In turn the 25 year old guy who will hold a glance with the bright young thing at the bar and tell the bartender she’s next, when in fact we all know that I was. I’m always at the bar though, so moot, maybe.

I didn’t hate being invisible. It gives you the opportunity to watch the world go by. Passing cheap judgement, obviously. But for some superficial reason people are more pleasant towards me. Is fat really that repugnant? Or have I become a better person because of losing an entire person’s worth of weight?

It’s the eternal headfuck.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about how people of “size” are seen (or not as the case may be) and I came across this recurring term: ‘Weight Bias’. And seemingly studies are showing that fat women are bearing the brunt of this. Why has society become so… Shallow?

Look back in history – Rubens celebrated the voluptuous woman in his marvellous Renaissance paintings. Being thicc, chonky, fat, phat, curvy was en vogue and a positive sign of wealth and good health. And it was up until the end of the Victorian era – but then I suppose these women weren’t obese. For the most part they didn’t have apron stomachs, or need seatbelt extenders or mobility scooters.

Aside from my slight cultural diversion above, I’m not wholly mad about the situation. It is kind of nice that a man will now offer to put my carry on in the overhead bin (even though I’m still built like a line backer and could take him in a fight). I’m not enough of a “feminist” to wonder if there is a sexist element to these people offering me kindness in this way. Being seen is a wonderful thing.

I just hope I’m still seeing enough too.

Safe x