I’m now ten whole months down the line from the surgery. It’s been a lot fucking harder than I thought it was going to be. It is not the easy way out. This surgery. There is constant scrutiny regarding my weight, more so than I perhaps think there was before. One caveat on this statement is that 99% of the people do this with admiration, and love, and because they care. And fuck knows, it take a village. And let me tell you #myvillageisbetterthanyourvillage.

Before I had the Gastric Bypass operation, I sat down and noted a few thoughts to ponder on, about what this would do to me. Not just physically, but emotionally. At the time I thought that I was hugely overthinking the whole thing, but actually – did I think enough?

I think I probably did. I am a classic overthinking wanker after all. I do not regret this surgery at all. That was my biggest worry, that I would have this shackle of regret upon me. But living with my new stomach has given me a huge new lease of life. I’ve struggled at times with the idea that I’ve changed myself, but then that was the whole point, no? Forgiving yourself is harder than dealing with a gin and red wine hangover and a three year old.

I worry that I’m going to fail. That I’ll get complacent and get fat again. This will always be a worry. How could it not be with what I’ve done? I’m scared of being fat now though, whereas I wasn’t before. I know how much easier it is to run upstairs (even if my thighs do clap like the crowd at Last Night of the Proms), I can share chairs with my kid for cosy reading sessions, I don’t have seatbelt extender fears.

I’ve been working with an amazing life coach, who is helping me navigate my new world. Taryn has changed my view on many things, and is helping me accept myself and my choices. And to stop beating myself the fuck up about every. single. thing. Taryn’s help I think is key to not failing at this. She’s like an amazing cheerleader who isn’t afraid to kick you up the arse if needed.

My therapist retired, so I’m looking for a few one (I’m fairly sure I had nothing to do with it). I want someone who can hold my hand, and run through my mind palace to New Order’s Ceremony. I’ll find that person eventually. I’ve also started doing Pilates again. It’s very centring for me. I love that you are tuning in on how to control your body. Not the gas though. No fucker can control that when you’re planking.

Something I’m struggling with is how differently some people treat me now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had it going on. But now, I keep getting hit on by creepy guys and I mostly find it disconcerting (I mean, can you not see the wedding ring dude? Some of us are just friendly humans and not after your peen). I’ve had a few people that have suddenly decided that I’m worthy of their time (coincidentally you can do one, I already have enough friends who are better people than you are). A couple of people have fallen by the wayside, but I’m actually unsurprised by that. And ok with it. Maybe it was just the natural time. With all the reading I did in the lead up to the surgery, it seems that this is a common occurrence.

Also on my mind is the whole Instagram narcissism and obsession with looks following bariatric surgery. Is this an accountability mechanism, or is this a psychological shift toward having a more shallow focus on physicality because of positive reinforcement? Perhaps this is a new thing for some – because of feeling invisible because of being overweight. I never had this. I’ve always been hot stuff.

Peace out.