I’ve been fat for a long time. This isn’t a new thing for me. I went from being a slightly chubby child, to a chubby teen, to a chubby young adult, to a fat adult, ending up where I am now: a very fat adult.

My story is a fairly standard tale of a fat, emotional eater – one which includes the premature death of a parent, many years of infertility, a touch of postnatal depression and a side order of PTSD. Oh, and not forgetting the thyroid disease (to be known henceforth as ‘The bloody Thyroid’). I aim to use this blog for catharses and for a smidgen of accountability (not being cool enough for Instagram, which is the site du jour for this sort of thing).

After trying and failing at possibly every diet on the planet and injuring myself on many machines at the gym (Note: burpees when you are the unit that I am will cause a really badly sprained ankle). I recently had an epiphany: what about bariatric surgery? I undertook months of research on the subject, often staying up until the early hours until my blurry eyes couldn’t look at the screen any more (and also getting distracted by Tiny Food videos on YouTube). I came to the conclusion that medical research studies are almost incomprehensible to the non-medically trained, and that there were fortunately (for me) a lot of other women (and men) to learn from who had taken this road before me.

I then told my husband. As usual, he was incredibly supportive. I was worried he’d find the whole idea repugnant, and poo poo the whole thing. Other people told have mostly responded positively to the news and are excited for me, and those that haven’t, well that’s fine. You cannot please everyone, and I am doing this for myself and my family.

After all the reading I’ve done, some view bariatric surgery as a dirty secret. Why? For the first time in a while I feel in control, and liberated from the fatness I have shielded myself from the world in. This decision is empowering and positive. Why is this bad? Is it any different to getting Botox or a boob job?

I have had my initial consultation with the surgeon who will be performing the operation. He was comforting, and incredibly straight forward about it all. We have agreed that for me, a gastric sleeve is the best option. I’m glad, because this was the surgery which seemed the least extreme from my research. I walked out with a frisson of excitement, and hope.

I do not want to be fat and 40.